Ship of Fools
by Anastadne
Summary: Of Debts meets Walking Shadow for a moment at Grimmauld Place: Mayhem Managed!


Summary: _Of Debts _meets _Walking Shadow_ for a moment at Grimmauld Place: Mayhem Managed!

AN: Dear Readers, "Anastadne" is the twisted, silly brainchild of Anastasia (timeturnerforsale) ("Of Debts and Debt Collection," starring Ttfs!Snape and Ttfs!Hermione) and Ariadne ("A Walking Shadow," starring Ari!Snape and Ari!Hermione). One day in IMs our Snapes and Hermiones got all mixed up and had a party. We took notes, and this is the result. (If you haven't read our fics, you may miss some of the inside jokes, but we think you'll have a blast - literally - either way) Enjoy! Anastasia (timeturnerforsale) and Ariadne, 1 April 2006)

* * *

"Severus?" Ari!Hermione whispered into his hair.

He groaned and nibbled her collarbone. "Mmmm..."

The vibrations of his voice on her skin drove very nearly all conscious thought out of her head... her mind was filled with him, his hands on her body, his eyes a gleaming madness hovering so close to her own... drawing her in, bewitching her mind, ensnaring her senses, consuming her every thought...

...except for the thought that there was another one of him leaning over the couch, looking at them.

Ari!Snape turned and drawled, "And what do you want?"

Ttfs!Snape opened his hands wide, saying, "Don't mind me - my authoress sent me here because Hogwarts is too valuable to keep destroying."

Ari!Snape trailed his finger down Ari!Hermione's upper arm, holding angst at bay for the maximum twenty-five words his authoress allotted him in any given chapter. "Potter owns this house; don't just stand there - redecorate."

Both Snapes chuckled.

Ari!Hermione sighed, "Do that again."

Ttfs!Snape's grin widened as he turned and blasted the sofa high in the air, where it burst into flames. As the exquisite smell of burning upholstery choked the air, he swung his arm, sending the hapless piece of furniture spinning into the fireplace, knocking random breakables to the floor.

"Surely you can manage to keep yourself under control long enough to save the wizarding world?" Ttfs!Snape asked with a disgusted sneer.

Ari!Snape expertly cocked an eyebrow. "At least I am performing in this area."

Scowling, Ttfs!Snape raised his sleeve and snarled, "How is your left forearm feeling these days?"

Ttfs!Hermione leaned cautiously around the doorway, waving smoke away. "We're just passing through. Mind?"

Ari!Hermione sat up and looked over the back of the couch. "Well, we do have a rather complex plot to take care of here -"

"So I see," Ttfs!Hermione commented, running her eyes over Ari!Snape's back muscles. "No bruises on yours, I take it?"

"No, his damage is entirely internal. So far, anyway." She paused, then amended, "Except for a few splinters and glass shards, and those were all self-inflicted."

Ttfs!Hermione bit her lip and looked at Ari!Hermione, puzzled. "When did we get that tattoo?"

Ari!Snape nudged Ari!Hermione with his hip and she moaned. "Long story. Complex plot. Mmmm..."

Ttfs!Hermione ducked a flying ottoman, as Ari!Hermione called out, "There are some very interesting books in the kitchen..."

A loud explosion rocked the walls, followed by Mrs. Black yelling, "Some Slytherin you are!" A flash of firelight illuminated the hallway, blowing Ttfs!Hermione's hair away from her face. A colossal slamming sound, wood groaning before splitting.

Ttfs!Hermione held onto the doorway and shook her head.

Ari!Hermione muttered as Ari!Snape kissed her tattoo, yet again,"That sounded loud."

"Yes, he's a little pent up," Ttfs!Hermione said, a little guiltily. "Severus! Less fire! We need the banister for the alternate ending to the 'Doubt' chapter!"

Ari!Snape called, "And if you could perhaps preserve at least one wall? 'Phineas Interruptus' got in the way."

"Preferably this wall!" Mrs. Black shrieked, dodging upstairs into Phineas Nigellus' frame as yet more plaster and building debris showered toward her frame from the ceiling.

"Bugger... blasted... Potter... OW..." Ttfs!Snape snarled to himself as he executed a particularly nifty spin and a complicated series of wand movements.

Ari!Hermione was entranced by his agility, and she arose, wrapping herself in Ari!Snape's cloak. She joined Ttfs!Hermione in the doorway. "So... um... books?" she suggested, an intellectual glint creeping into her eye.

Ttfs!Hermione swallowed hard as she looked at the flying, flaming debris. "We might have to make a run for it."

"Deal." The two Hermiones ran for the kitchen, dodging a falling lantern that seemed to come from an entirely different building – quite possibly from a Dark Arts library.

Ari!Snape entered the hallway, wand drawn and impeccably dressed, top button and all. "Teaching Potter those tricks, are you?"

Ttfs!Snape spun, and, in a dramatic fencing move used only to ensure his robes swished seductively, expertly incinerated the umbrella stand. "No, just enough to get him in trouble and to keep me entertained for about 10 more chapters."

Ari!Snape rolled his eyes, "You may stop with the robes... they're in the kitchen I believe."

Ttfs!Snape dropped his arms and loosened his collar, "Thank you. She's been all over me since I awoke. Being this damn proper, standoffish and stiff is difficult work. No Potter?"

"Little sign of him in this fic so far," Ari!Snape said with a trace of suspicion.

Ttfs!Snape responded dryly, "Then expect him to appear, completely unprepared, somewhere around the end. Good luck with that..."

Smirking, Ari!Snape countered, "10 more chapters with nothing but Potter to entertain you? Pity..." He eyed the kitchen door speculatively.

Ttfs!Snape shrugged and flicked an imaginary piece of lint off his robes. "There wouldn't be... books in there, by any chance?"

"Now that you mention it, yes."

Ttfs!Snape shuddered.

"Did yours do something brilliant?" Ari!Snape queried.

"Scary."

Meanwhile, in the kitchen...

Ttfs!Hermione twitched and shoved her chair backwards forcefully, "Did that book just - move?"

Patting the book as it snuggled in a cute but disturbing manner against her hand, Ari!Hermione said, "Yes, it contains information that's crucial to the successful defeat of Voldemort. Would you like to hold it?"

Ttfs!Hermione shook her head and blanched. "Uh, no... No, I'll look at these over here."

Ttfs!Snape moved to the stairway and touched the banister. He looked to be figuring out the height of it.

"I've thought of it too. It's on my mental list of locations," Ari!Snape said with a smirk.

While running his hand over the waist height banister base, Ttfs!Snape said, "If my blasted authoress would only finish the outtake I wouldn't be so frustrated. You should see where she's left me."

Ari!Snape only raised an eyebrow. He raised the other as Ttfs!Snape growled and took the stairs three at a time, ignoring his famously injured leg.

Ari!Snape eyed the stairs and the kitchen door and shook his head. No contest. He headed for the kitchen, nodding abruptly to Mrs. Black, whose eyes were alight with lecherous glee.

His hand had barely touched the door when something exploded in the second floor drawing room.

In the kitchen, Ttfs!Hermione looked up at the ceiling, where small cracks were beginning to appear. Grabbing Ari!Hermione's arm - and flinching when the book nuzzled her hand - she said, "We'd better move."

Another explosion from upstairs. The cracks grew exponentially longer. And wider.

"NOW!"

Ari!Hermione looked up at the ceiling and gasped. They grabbed as many books as they could and dove under the table.

Oblivious to the beginnings of a snowfall of plaster, Ttfs!Hermione turned calmly to Ari!Hermione and asked "Were those holes up there made by… forks?"

Ari!Hermione nodded. "He was in a mood."

Ttfs!Hermione stared at her, amazed, and burst out laughing. "Oh, Hermione. You should see what he and Harry did to the Great Hall. I don't know how they'll get the ceiling recharmed."

Ari!Hermione began to eye several books that might contain suggestions for how to do just that. She looked at Ttfs!Hermione conspiratorially, and the two of them reached eagerly for the most likely volumes.

Ari!Hermione flipped through a book, giggling as Lily's book kept snuggling against Ttfs!Hermione's hand. "So, how's Ron?"

Ari!Hermione stacked seven books on top of the wretchedly affectionate tome and scoffed, "Ron? Are you kidding? I need a mature man."

Both Hermiones flinched as another section of the ceiling collapsed onto the table. Something heavy landed with a thud. After a moment of silence, the sound of a piano tumbling down the stairs, its sickly music playing as the keys flew everywhere filled the air along the deep, rumbling, incredibly sexy laughter of Ttfs!Snape.

Ari!Hermione gestured towards the ceiling and rolled her eyes, "Mature huh? Is this one at least good... you know?"

"Oh,we um... haven't yet," Ttfs!Hermione muttered, blushing furiously and flipping another page with force.

Ari!Hermione raised an eyebrow just because she could. "What chapter are you on again?" she asked with a knowing grin.

Ttfs!Hermione sighed, "Seventeen. Your point?"

Grinning and shifting a little to alleviate her sore muscles Ari!Hermione said, "Oh, nothing..."

Ttfs!Hermione looked clinically at the expression on Ari!Hermione's face. "That's a rather disturbing smile."

"Look in the mirror some morning. Perhaps in another, oh, 10 chapters or so?"

Ari!Snape was doing what he did best - he was spying. Peering through door, he was quite... interested... in the way the two Hermiones... Two Hermiones... lay on their stomachs and kicked their feet in the air, absorbed by their books. Unaware, innocent of the fact that they were being watched. Plotted about. Planned for.

"You lecherous old bat!" Phineas Nigellus yelled, from Mrs. Black's frame. "What are you waiting for?"

Mrs Black sneered. "And you call yourself a Slytherin..."

"Perhaps not that long, Hermione." Ari!Snape's voice whispered in their minds.

Ttfs!Hermione's heart jumped, and she grabbed the silly book that kept trying to nuzzle her comfortingly, as if to say, "Go for it; you won't be sorry."

Ari!Hermione flicked a dark glance over her shoulder. Spotting the dangerously seductive presence in the door frame, she sighed. "You've done them all up again? So many buttons..."

Ttfs!Hermione finished, "...so little time."

Ari!Snape lay on the floor as the Hermiones toyed with the buttons, the shyer Ttfs!Hermione starting from the top.

"Slowly, Hermione. That's it. Yes..." he breathed in her mind, his thoughts tainted with forbidden knowledge...

In between explosions, Ttfs!Snape realized things had gotten very quiet. Too quiet. He supposed the rest of them were reading.

Hm. Perhaps he could suggest a duel with Ari!Snape. Just the thing.

Cloak billowing, he swept downstairs and past Mrs. Black's portrait.

She sniggered.

He cocked an eyebrow at her. "Are you or are you not supposed to be a shrieking harpy?"

She and Phineas Nigellus, who had just returned with popcorn, waved him quiet.

Phineas Nigellus asked Mrs. Black, "Do you hear what I hear?"

Ttfs!Snape's face spread into a small, slow smile, and he swept into the kitchen.

Mrs. Black turned to Phineas Nigellus. "How many half-blood princes does it take to make a whole?" she cackled.

Batting her hand away from the popcorn, Phineas Nigellus mused, "I believe there are some old picture frames under the boiler. The door might be open..."

They looked at each other, grinned, and vanished.

As Ttfs!Snape paused, panting in the doorway to note Two Hermiones..., Ttfs!Hermione leaned over Ari!Snape to say, "You know, Hermione, mine at least spreads his coat on the floor."

"Given how he's always bringing the ceiling down on it? Good thing," Ari!Hermione replied. "Worse than splinters. Glass shards. Maybe even memories, depending how sharp they are."

Ttfs!Hermione nodded. "That scene was an outtake, though."

Ari!Snape muttered, "Small wonder he's always blasting everything in sight."

From underneath the boiler, the sound of barely concealed laughter.

"I should warn the three of you that the table is on fire," Ttfs!Snape said evenly, eying the writhing trio. He then firmly pushed the word "trio" out of his mind. Wrong image.

Ari!Snape asked, "How did that happen? You just got here."

Ttfs!Snape shrugged, "I'm not sure. I think the authoress got distracted and left a hole in the plot. Again. She's covering it up with something she refers to as a 'hot moment.' An escapist strategy."

"Put it out, then," Ari!Snape said with a growl that descended into a groan when Ttfs!Hermione raked her nails across his chest, hard. "I think it is fairly obvious we are in the middle of something here."

"Do you have ANY control over your hormones?" Ttfs!Snape sneered as he waved his hand, putting out the fire wandlessly, both because he could and because it was fancy. Besides, wand-waving was foolish.

Ari!Snape sucked in his breath sharply when Ari!Hermione kissed his neck, "What is it with you and fire?"

"Oh, you haven't seen anything yet," Ttfs!Snape proudly boasted, his thirst for destruction shining in his coal black, bottomless eyes.

Ari!Snape cocked an eyebrow while the Hermiones fought over the privilege of unbuttoning his shirt. "How many chapters will we have to wait to… hm… see 'anything'?"

"Less than ten," Ttfs!Snape said, conversationally. "You know... this isn't our kind of fic, but may I join?"

"Why not?" Ari!Snape said, waving Ttfs!Snape over. "'Walking Shadow' has an M story rating, and 'Of Debts' is R - so you're certainly not going to see action for a while."

Ttfs!Snape raised his stunningly beautiful hands to his throat, tilted his head back and removed his robes, swishing them gracefully as he threw them to the floor. "Tell me, how have you managed to work through a mystery that has spanned six books, and fight a battle, and have sex more than once - in only one day?"

Ari!Snape grinned and tilted his head up, losing track of which Hermione was currently driving him wild by nibbling on his ear. "Skill - and endless strings of present participles. And maybe if you hadn't been unconscious for seven days you would have accomplished more by now."

Ttfs!Snape shrugged as he lowered himself to the floor, "Interesting point. However, I shall be quite busy in a few chapters..."

"Yes, do join us so we can continue with this lovely schoolgirl objectification fantasy," Ari!Hermione drawled. "It's such a lovely compliment," she came to her knees and reached a hand out to Ttfs!Snape, "I scarcely know how we can keep our senses." To Ttfs!Hermione, she commented, "Mine cooks," as she promptly attacked Ttfs!Snape's frock coat buttons.

Ttfs!Hermione tilted her head from where she was determining just how close to ecstasy she could bring Ari!Snape without touching anything major so as not to offend the innocent readers. Making them crazy with suggestion by throwing in words like "thrust" and sentences like "Power shifts in a traitorous heartbeat."

"Mine can perform wandless magic and juggle books," she commented.

"Useful," drawled Ari!Hermione, in a perfect imitation of either Snape. "Especially for the bibliophobic."

"Very," Ttfs!Hermione agreed, her lips tracing gentle patterns on Ari!Snape's shoulders. He closed his eyes and moaned.

Ttfs!Snape ignored his injuries and drew Ari!Hermione up to the conveniently repaired table.

"Thanks," he thought at Ari!Snape, who was looking at him out of the corner of his eye, one expert finger lazily, slowly undoing each of Ttfs!Hermione's buttons as though each button were the ultimate end of his desire.

"Think nothing of it," Ari!Snape's hair fell over his eyes as he bent with greater, careful, deliberate attention to Ttfs!Hermione's skin.

Ari!Hermione treated Ttfs!Snape's buttons to the same slow, careful, aware focus, his eyes unreadable as he looked down at her.

She laughed in her mind. "I know all about anticipation, and fear, and danger, Severus..." she laughed again, lower...

Ari!Snape felt something tighten in his abdomen at the promise in her voice.

"I have had..." her hands moving inside both coat and linen to touch his bruised body carefully.

He tensed.

"...a very..."

Another button. More skin.

"... good... "

Another. More.

She leaned in to the sensitive skin behind his ear. Aloud, she whispered, "...teacher."

"We must be ensnared," Ttfs!Snape thought wildly at Ari!Snape.

"It's a thought." Stereo!Hermione chortled in their minds.

It did tickle.

_Fade to Black_

_Fade in_

Some time later, it occurred to the Hermiones that the Ari!s and the Ttfs!s should probably realign according the their respective narrative pairings.

"Severus?" said Stereo!Hermiones.

"Yes?" murmured Stereo!Severuses.

"Shall we switch?"

All four thought, simultaneously, "As you wish."

* * *

Phineas Nigellus couldn't remember the last time he'd had such an enjoyable April Fool's Day, even if, in the end, Mrs. Black had eaten most of the popcorn.


End file.
